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At present, I am grieving the loss of my first cousin, Ate Amor. She passed away last September 5, at 8am, while I was in Hongkong, due to thyroid cancer. The letter below is a humble yet inadequate way to honor and tell her how she has touched my life and those of my family and our other relatives. I pray that wherever she is now, she will smile at me...
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September 9, 2009
Dear Atchi Amor,
When I learned from Mama that you were given 6 months to live, I wanted so much to write a letter for you - a letter that I wanted to read to you personally. A letter to say “thank you” for being my cousin. A letter to tell you (and the world) how much your friendship and our being cousins meant to me.
However, when I got the news that you fell into a coma last Friday morning, I felt my heart being crushed. How can I write that letter when I was leaving for HongKong the very next day? What will I write exactly? Will I still see you when I get home on Tuesday morning? These were my questions as I readied myself for my flight. I wanted to see you one last time. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I will come visit you when I get back. It was supposed to be a vacation, but I was just so burdened. I left with a heavy heart, to be honest.
But God is truly good and gracious. Last Sunday, during the Mass, I felt so much at peace as I surrendered to the Lord everything especially my burdens about you and your condition. I told the Lord that if He would take you already, it was just perfect because you truly deserve to be with the Lord. I actually said my goodbyes to you in the silence of my heart.
Then came Kuya Pete’s text suggesting that we all go to your wake this Saturday, September 12! I felt the blow of the news. Maybe Hernan really did not tell me yet so as not to ruin my vacation. Perhaps Kuya Pete did not know that I did not know yet. And so, there I was in my room, quiet yet thoughts were swirling about in my head. Actually, I could not cry, perhaps because I could not imagine you dead…not yet anyway. Perhaps because all I could remember were the times when we talked and laughed like there was no tomorrow.
I am sure people will ask me what I remember about you. I will tell them of the time I wa eight years old. I was having my summer vacation in Pozorrubio. You were pleasantly surprised when you found out that I could dance Hawaiian. Grabe! You asked me to dance “Pearly Shells” every time I was there in your house! Not only that. When there were visitors, you actually called for me from Tatay Pascual’s house, so I could entertain them by rendering a Hawaiian dance number!
I will tell people of the time we celebrated Mama’s 80th birthday in November 2007. How you shrieked and laughed and shouted during the trivia game we played. Together with other guests, you were asked questions, some of them, talagang maintriga, di ba? Then you watched as I did a belly dance number for Mama. That was actually the first time I did that for any one in my family! You were all smiles and you clapped like you were a proud mother yourself. Ang joke nga natin, “Pinsan ko yan!”
Then came Baby and Dhel’s wedding on December 15, 2007. You would recall many times after that event that my youngest son, Jappy, approached you and “made friends” with you. Ang tagal ninyong nagkuwentuhan! Ganun din silang dalawa ni Jun-Jun, and you were so amazed that an eight-year-old like Jappy would go out of his way to make you and Jun-Jun comfortable during the wedding reception. Just two weeks ago, I chanced upon the pictures of that wedding. Lo and behold! I have a picture of you and Jappy…dancing together!
You were not able to come to Papa and Mama’s golden wedding anniversary June last year. Yet, you would always talk about Papa and Mama lovingly. As you would say many times over, especially when your own mother died last summer, “Tio Pedring, Tia Paping, sicayo la so ipapasen mi ya aray ateng mi natan.” And I am sure that my own parents are heartened by those words until now.
What I will remember of you, Atchi Amor, is the long talk we had last June 29, after the funeral of Rowena, eldest daughter of Atchi Alma and Kuya Jun. We were talking about the clothes of your mom which have never been worn, that you and Atchi Marly discovered while going over her things. I told you about my own realization after reading an article about saving some of our things, clothes, money, even loving and affirming words for special occasions. We both agreed that every moment is an occasion to use our well-kept china, our special clothes, our new bed sheets, and the like. What better occasion is there to use our new plates and utensils than every meal we spend together with our family and loved ones? You smiled and nodded, but what touched me was your comment. You said, “Malalim ka talagang mag-isip tungkol sa buhay ano? Talagang pang-guidance counselor ka! I like listening to you kasi madami akong napululot na aral kahit na mas matanda ako sa iyo.”
I remember telling you the whole story about the diamond ring that Hernan gave me last March as a gift. You were laughing like anything when I told you that I cried when I opened that box and saw the ring, and Hernan begged me to accept it…kasi bayad na yung singsing. O my gosh! At hindi pala siya utang! Hahahaha! At lalong kilig na kilig ka nang ikuwento ko sa iyo na sabi niya, I am more than a diamond in his eyes…that I am his partner in everything! Even now as I write this, I can still see you swooning like a teenager, your hands clasped together na para kang namimilipit sa kilig! And you said, “Iba talaga si Hernan. Mahal na mahal ka niya talaga.”
When we were about to leave for
Thank you for your listening ears, and for laughing at my stories, at my jokes, for texting me and asking me how I was, how Hernan was, and how my kids were doing at the moment. Thank you for your hugs and embraces whenever we saw each other. You remembered my birthday. You came to our house in Las Pinas once and you said you felt so light and easy with our home. I will always be grateful for my childhood memories in your house, dancing to “Pearly Shells,” to the delight of my cousins as well as guests who came to your house during that summer vacation I had in Pozorrubio.
Writing this letter is taking me so long already. I just can’t seem to fully put into words everything I want to tell you. I guess in the final analysis, what I really wanted to say is this: “Atchi Amor, thank you for everything, especially for the person that you have been to me and my family. Thank you for being my cousin…for being the elder sister I never had. Thank you for all the love, caring and concern you have given all of us. And when I thank you, I am actually thanking the Lord for giving me a cousin and a friend like you, and for taking you into the bosom of His kingdom.”
I love you, Atchi Amor. Ag yo cami comon lilingoanan ya ipidasal. (Huwag mo
Maraming salamat at paalam.
Your cousin and friend,
Bing
