BREAKFAST ALONE

October 21, 2010

7:58 am

I am really going through my “silent stage” in my life now. I find myself wanting and even looking forward to times when I can be alone by myself wherever I am – be it at home, in the locker room of the gym, on my way to work. I just feel more relaxed and at ease when I don’t have to talk, when I can either just go to sleep or just stare at things from afar. Take for example now, as in THIS VERY MOMENT.

I am now at Jollibee in Walter Mart, Pasong Tamo, Makati City. I am too early for my work at the Australian International School today so I decided to eat breakfast first before going to AIS. I actually enjoyed eating alone – me with my corned beef, friend rice, fried egg and hot chocolate drink.:-) After eating, I still didn’t feel like moving so I decided to write about my episodes today.

I also had time to read quietly in my seat the book “Inner Beauty At Home” by Dondi Catan and Didi Marañon. I also was able to read some newspaper articles that I had cut last week.

This is actually my first time to do this and in this place, of all places! But it sure feels so good! What makes it even more meaningful for me is that I was able to pray – small intentions, short conversations with God, just thanking Him for something and everything, someone and then everyone.

I repented of the fact that yesterday I resented Hernan for offering to take Mommy with us to Market Market. He was supposed to have a meeting with Carol Narciso and Tess Dela Paz of Jollibee. I asked him then if I could go with him to Global City so I could check out some belly belts as well as beads that I need for my belly dance bra that I am designing now. I thought to myself it would be a good time also to just sit down somewhere and just read a book while waiting for Hernan to finish his meeting. Then, biglang kasama na si Mommy!

Honestly, it was a burden for me because I felt I needed to take care of myself muna. I don’t want to “babysit” Mommy or anyone at this time. Besides, Hernan never told me that he was going to ask Mommy to come along! However, when he graciously and patiently explained to me why he thought of asking Mommy if she wanted to come with us, I took it to heart and understood. But deep inside, nandoon pa rin yung feeling na sana sa ibang araw na lang kasi kailangan ko talaga ngayon ang mapag-isa muna.

Anyway, we got there and Mommy and I started to walk. We were so slow because of her, but you know what? I actually enjoyed the slow walk, looking at items in a more deliberate, less hurried manner which I would NOT have done if I were alone. Lo and behold! We were able to buy new blouses for her, plus some Christmas gifts which she would like to give to some people. We were able also to buy some clothes for Ninang Mameng, her sister.

At around 6pm, we were so tired from all the walking we did but I could see that Mommy had enjoyed herself. In my heart, I was truly happy that I was with her. I know in my heart that God had intended for both of us to be together yesterday afternoon, if only to teach me to be patient with others. I also realized that God is training me to deal with and take care of “oldies” since I am surrounded by them at home, in Kamias, in my parish.

Lastly, I realized that even if I am at the silent stage of my life now, life still goes on for others around me. People will still need me. People will still need to talk to me. People will still need me to listen to them, be with them. I need to go out of my comfort zone and reach out to those in need of my “quiet presence.” At least now, I know that I have a “quiet corner in my heart to go home to” anytime I need to be quiet by myself.

I was tired, yes, but my heart was joyful. Oh, by the way, I received some blessings – Mommy bought me two beautiful belly belts as a gift! Wow! Thank You, Lord!!! :-)

7 LESSONS I LEARNED FROM THE LIFE OF BING

Here are some valuable lessons I have learned from living the life of Bing Jimenez-Espiritu:

1. GOD LOVES ME IMMENSELY AND CONSTANTLY. I may falter in my loving God back, but He never does. He stays the same…and faithful…always.

2. HERNAN LOVES ME TOO. I know it was never a contest, yet many times over before, I would work so hard at showing my love for Hernan that I have forgotten how it is to be on the receiving end of love, of a loving relationship. It is not too late to bask in the love and devotion that Hernan has for me.

3. NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS ARE, WITH GOD EVERYTHING ALWAYS ENDS UP IN GOOD. Even the most painful, sinful and ugly events in my life are all part of a bigger picture…a picture that has a good purpose for it in the end.

4. I AM ABUNDANTLY BLESSED. I need only to have a genuinely thankful heart so that I will be able to see these blessings, no matter how small and routinary they may be.

5. WORKING HARD IS GOOD. BUT WORKING SMART IS BETTER! It is good to know what I can do. But it is equally good to know who I can turn to for help – resources, people, materials, expertise. Planning and time management are also important. But then it’s also important to have allowances for serendipity or “accidental learning” because it lends an interesting twist in the work

6. NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT MY BODY, I HAVE TO LOVE IT AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH IT. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I will never be able to please everyone, so better to love my body. I will take care of it. I will nourish it. I will nurture it. It is the only one I have and will ever have. And most importantly, it is the Temple of the Holy Spirit.

7. ASKING FOR HELP OR RECEIVING IT DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS OF A PERSON. In fact, it really makes me more human because I realize that I cannot do everything and be everything to any one person. No one is so rich that he cannot ask for or receive from others. And no one is so poor that he cannot give to other

Bubbles

Bubbles! Bubbles! I love bubbles!

In fact, I remember my childhood days. Roy, my younger brother, and I were so young then. During summer, we would be out of the house right after breakfast and we would be playing with our neighbors and friends in the street.

We never got tired of gathering gumamela leaves. Then we would get some Tide laundry powder from the house. Dinidikdik namin yung mga dahon tapos yung katas pati na rin yung durog na dahon, hinahalo namin sa Tide at tubig. Then we would get some twigs and fashion them into rings with handles, dip them into the gumamela-Tide solution…and presto! We can blow our bubbles away!  We had so much fun doing that.

But then of course, I grew older and forgot all about it. Then this year, I was assigned to take care of our Teachers’ recognition Day in Esteban International School for February 12, 2010. For that occasion, we were to have an Awarding Ceremony, but the awards are fun awards. Yun bang tipong Mr. Close-up Smile, Mr. Superman, Ms. Congeniality, etc. Anyway, I was also tasked to describe each award and to buy the prizes to be given to the awardees. For the title “Mr. Congeniality,” I bought some bubbles because they are symbolic of a pleasing and sunny disposition, a “bubbly” personality. Then when I was already at home trying to wrap the awards, I decided to “test” the bubbles. So I blew some…and then some more…and some more again…and again…and again…and again…Hala! Di na ako matapos-tapos sa bubble-blowing!

I was hooked again! And happily hooked I was So now that I have rediscovered the fun in bubbles, I actually have a stash of bubbles in my room. And when I feel like it, when I am sad, or when I am stressed, or tired, I would blow bubbles in the room or in the veranda, allowing the wind to bring the bubbles to wherever. At one time, I blew bubbles and they floated down the stairs. Hernan and the kids were downstairs in the sala. I heard Hernan exclaiming, “Mama is at it again!” At that, I just shrugged and smiled, and blew some more bubbles…again…and again…and again…

Bubbles, anyone? 

The Letter I Would Love to Read to You in Person

At present, I am grieving the loss of my first cousin, Ate Amor. She passed away last September 5, at 8am, while I was in Hongkong, due to thyroid cancer. The letter below is a humble yet inadequate way to honor and tell her how she has touched my life and those of my family and our other relatives. I pray that wherever she is now, she will smile at me...

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September 9, 2009

Dear Atchi Amor,

When I learned from Mama that you were given 6 months to live, I wanted so much to write a letter for you - a letter that I wanted to read to you personally. A letter to say “thank you” for being my cousin. A letter to tell you (and the world) how much your friendship and our being cousins meant to me.

However, when I got the news that you fell into a coma last Friday morning, I felt my heart being crushed. How can I write that letter when I was leaving for HongKong the very next day? What will I write exactly? Will I still see you when I get home on Tuesday morning? These were my questions as I readied myself for my flight. I wanted to see you one last time. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I will come visit you when I get back. It was supposed to be a vacation, but I was just so burdened. I left with a heavy heart, to be honest.

But God is truly good and gracious. Last Sunday, during the Mass, I felt so much at peace as I surrendered to the Lord everything especially my burdens about you and your condition. I told the Lord that if He would take you already, it was just perfect because you truly deserve to be with the Lord. I actually said my goodbyes to you in the silence of my heart.

Then came Kuya Pete’s text suggesting that we all go to your wake this Saturday, September 12! I felt the blow of the news. Maybe Hernan really did not tell me yet so as not to ruin my vacation. Perhaps Kuya Pete did not know that I did not know yet. And so, there I was in my room, quiet yet thoughts were swirling about in my head. Actually, I could not cry, perhaps because I could not imagine you dead…not yet anyway. Perhaps because all I could remember were the times when we talked and laughed like there was no tomorrow.

I am sure people will ask me what I remember about you. I will tell them of the time I wa eight years old. I was having my summer vacation in Pozorrubio. You were pleasantly surprised when you found out that I could dance Hawaiian. Grabe! You asked me to dance “Pearly Shells” every time I was there in your house! Not only that. When there were visitors, you actually called for me from Tatay Pascual’s house, so I could entertain them by rendering a Hawaiian dance number!

I will tell people of the time we celebrated Mama’s 80^th birthday in November 2007. How you shrieked and laughed and shouted during the trivia game we played. Together with other guests, you were asked questions, some of them, talagang maintriga, di ba? Then you watched as I did a belly dance number for Mama. That was actually the first time I did that for any one in my family! You were all smiles and you clapped like you were a proud mother yourself. Ang joke nga natin, “Pinsan ko yan!”

Then came Baby and Dhel’s wedding on December 15, 2007. You would recall many times after that event that my youngest son, Jappy, approached you and “made friends” with you. Ang tagal ninyong nagkuwentuhan! Ganun din silang dalawa ni Jun-Jun, and you were so amazed that an eight-year-old like Jappy would go out of his way to make you and Jun-Jun comfortable during the wedding reception. Just two weeks ago, I chanced upon the pictures of that wedding. Lo and behold! I have a picture of you and Jappy…dancing together!

You were not able to come to Papa and Mama’s golden wedding anniversary June last year. Yet, you would always talk about Papa and Mama lovingly. As you would say many times over, especially when your own mother died last summer, “Tio Pedring, Tia Paping, sicayo la so ipapasen mi ya aray ateng mi natan.” And I am sure that my own parents are heartened by those words until now.

What I will remember of you, Atchi Amor, is the long talk we had last June 29, after the funeral of Rowena, eldest daughter of Atchi Alma and Kuya Jun. We were talking about the clothes of your mom which have never been worn, that you and Atchi Marly discovered while going over her things. I told you about my own realization after reading an article about saving some of our things, clothes, money, even loving and affirming words for special occasions. We both agreed that every moment is an occasion to use our well-kept china, our special clothes, our new bed sheets, and the like. What better occasion is there to use our new plates and utensils than every meal we spend together with our family and loved ones? You smiled and nodded, but what touched me was your comment. You said, “Malalim ka talagang mag-isip tungkol sa buhay ano? Talagang pang-guidance counselor ka! I like listening to you kasi madami akong napululot na aral kahit na mas matanda ako sa iyo.”

I remember telling you the whole story about the diamond ring that Hernan gave me last March as a gift. You were laughing like anything when I told you that I cried when I opened that box and saw the ring, and Hernan begged me to accept it…kasi bayad na yung singsing. O my gosh! At hindi pala siya utang! Hahahaha! At lalong kilig na kilig ka nang ikuwento ko sa iyo na sabi niya, I am more than a diamond in his eyes…that I am his partner in everything! Even now as I write this, I can still see you swooning like a teenager, your hands clasped together na para kang namimilipit sa kilig! And you said, “Iba talaga si Hernan. Mahal na mahal ka niya talaga.”

When we were about to leave for Manila that day, we embraced each other and you thanked me for my stories. I don’t know why but now that I recall that time, you embraced me so tightly and said, “I love you, Bing.” Yes, we have said that line to each other for years already, and yet when you said that you love me last June 29, I really felt all the more loved. I realized what a special friendship we have. Our friendship is such that even if we don’t see each other often, whenever we do, it feels like we just saw and talked with each other yesterday.

Thank you for your listening ears, and for laughing at my stories, at my jokes, for texting me and asking me how I was, how Hernan was, and how my kids were doing at the moment. Thank you for your hugs and embraces whenever we saw each other. You remembered my birthday. You came to our house in Las Pinas once and you said you felt so light and easy with our home. I will always be grateful for my childhood memories in your house, dancing to “Pearly Shells,” to the delight of my cousins as well as guests who came to your house during that summer vacation I had in Pozorrubio.

Writing this letter is taking me so long already. I just can’t seem to fully put into words everything I want to tell you. I guess in the final analysis, what I really wanted to say is this: “Atchi Amor, thank you for everything, especially for the person that you have been to me and my family. Thank you for being my cousin…for being the elder sister I never had. Thank you for all the love, caring and concern you have given all of us. And when I thank you, I am actually thanking the Lord for giving me a cousin and a friend like you, and for taking you into the bosom of His kingdom.”

I love you, Atchi Amor. Ag yo cami comon lilingoanan ya ipidasal. (Huwag mo sana kaming kakalimutang ipagdasal.)

Maraming salamat at paalam.

Your cousin and friend,

Bing

What matters...

Most people want to amass a lot of things in their lifetime. But there are some among us who realize in time that in the end what really matters is...quality. Quality of one's relationships with others especially loved ones, family, and friends. Quality of life. Time for and with God. Balance between life and work.

test run

keynotes will be revived starting august 2009 :-)